Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

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A woman gets on a bus with a baby and the bus driver says," Jeez...that is the ugliest baby I ever saw! "

The woman stomps to the back of the bus, sits down beside a man and says," That bus driver just insulted me! "

The man says, " Well you march back up there and tell him off! I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
An old man goes for a physical exam at a local clinic. He is surprised to see a young, attractive woman walk into the exam room. She introduces herself as the doctor and begins with the man's blood preasure.The doctor tells the old man he should quit eating fatty foods. Next she takes his pulse. She recommends he start walking a mile a day. Continuing her exam she tells the old man he should stop playing with himself. The old man asked why? Because I'm trying to examine you.
 
When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual; then it became optional. I'm glad I'm out. Next Obama will make it mandatory!
 
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00

I said "May I have large bills, please"



She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....









***** SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'



This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



***** SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'



We haven't used Sears repair since.







***** SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.



Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.







***** SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office

to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'



From Kingman, KS





***** SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had ice-burg lettuce.

- From Kansas City





***** SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



Happened in Birmingham, Ala.







***** SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'



She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS





***** SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.



This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.





***** SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.



A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.







***** SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."



SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.



STAY ALERT!



They walk among us......and theyVOTE







and REPRODUCE too!
 
SHEER NIGHTGOWNS CAN BE FATAL

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $25 to $250 in price...the more sheer the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $250 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy) "I have an idea...it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $250. refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good grief! You'd think for $250 they'd at least iron it.

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at noon

Coffin will be closed



Sandy Malone

Pasture Prime Farm

Rush, NY
 
There was a big old pecan tree just inside the wrought-iron fence at the cemetery on the edge of town. Two boys got bored one day and went down there to pick them up...



When they were fiished, they decided to sit at the base of the tree and divide the pecans evenly. The tree was very big and blocked their view of the cemetery's fence, and it stood on the side of a steep hill. They started, "one for you, one for me..." and so on. Occasionally, a pecan would slip from their fingers, and roll down to the fence.



Not long after they began, another boy came by, riding on his bicycle. As he came closer to the cemetery, he saw no one, but heard the voices, "one for you, one for me..." The boy was terrified, and sped off until he came to an old man with a cane, out for his morning walk. He explained to the old man that he had heard the voices, and that the Lord and Satan were at the cemetery, dividing the souls, "one for you, one for me..."



The old man laughed, but decided to entertain the boy's fears, and agreed to go down there with him. Sure enough, when they got there, the voices were still saying, "one for you, one for me". The old man was astonished! He couldn't see anyone, but could sure hear those voices. A slight wind blew and both the boy and the man gripped the fence and leaned closer to hear, and then they heard one voice say, "that's all of 'em. Now let's go down to the fence and get those nuts and we'll be finished!"
 
The Mayonnaise Jar



When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,

When 24 hours in a day is not enough;

remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.



A professor stood before his philosophy class

and had some items in front of him.



When the class began, wordlessly,

he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar

and start to fill it with golf balls.



He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.



The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured

it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again

if the jar was full. They agreed it was.



The professor next picked up a box of sand

and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded

With an unanimous 'yes.'



The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table

and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively

filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.



'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,

'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.



The golf balls are the important things - God, family,

children, health, friends, and favorite passions

Things that if everything else was lost

and only they remained, your life would still be full.



The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.



The sand is everything else --

The small stuff.



'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,

'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.



If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

You will never have room for the things that are

important to you.



So...



Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.



There will always be time

to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.



'Take care of the golf balls first --

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'



One of the students raised her hand

and inquired what the coffee represented.



The professor smiled.



'I'm glad you asked'.



It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'



Sandy Malone

Pasture Prime Farm

Rush, NY
 
If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!





When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about

how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot.... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was

going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!



And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!



I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know

something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!



There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a

pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!



Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of

fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!



There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you

had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!



Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car... We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?



We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!



There weren't any cell phones either.. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right.

Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.



And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent...you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!



We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like

'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win.. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!



You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!



There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!



And we didn't have microwaves.. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!



And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!



And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!



See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!





Regards,



The Way Over 30 Crowd



Sandy Malone

Pasture Prime Farm

Rush, NY
 
is stiill till. pill pai p,alelpain ain little dc cain hope dont bother you,Dc Cain might get over with Gods help.p,ppain has left not so bad near the pain not d not so numb have lot less pain and not so numb,back also , hope jokes dont bother:D i stil cant read so good! stiont know why having siezures!
 
okies opinion.still having siezure think scrapline will help:: dc all i got left less somebody helps DC DC
 
This doe walks out of the woods and says "whewwwww! Thats the last time I will do that for two bucks!"



Johnny B
 
Since Nancy is no longer Speaker of the House, she must relinquish her 757 jet, so generously provided by us taxpayers.





She'll be flying Southwest from now on because "Bags fly free"!
 

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Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)



I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.



I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..



The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.



That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it ****** me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.



A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.



I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.



Did you know that deer bite?



They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.



The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.



It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.



That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.



Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.



This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.



Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.



I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!



All these events are true so help me.
 
A german professor was ask by a farmer friend what kind of new research projects he had been working on. He replied that he was teaching dogs to eat grass. The farmer was suprised and ask how the project was going. The professor started to explain " The first week the dog did not eat much grass but by the second week the dog was eating some grass. The third week the dog was only fed grass and was eating well. The project was becoming a great success but at the end of the fourth week the damn dog died". The farmer then said "That is terrible what will you do now"? The professor replied "I am now in search of a new dog".
 
Let me get this straight . . . .



We're going to be "gifted" with a health care

plan we are forced to purchase and

fined if we don't,



Which purportedly covers at least

ten million more people,

without adding a single new doctor,

but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,



written by a committee whose chairman

says he doesn't understand it,



passed by a Congress that didn't read it but

exempted themselves from it,



and signed by a President who smokes,



with funding administered by a treasury chief who

didn't pay his taxes,



for which we'll be taxed for four years before any

benefits take effect,



by a government which has

already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,



all to be overseen by a surgeon general

who is obese,



and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!



'What could

possibly go wrong?'
 

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CurtisLloyd said:
Phillip.....when did you move to Canada???



I'm still a proud American, still remember those who died and are dying for my right to say this, but if I hit the jackpot somewhere, you can bet your hockey puck I'll have a cabin on a lake or river in Ontario!
 
not one Canadian has died for their country...but 300,000 have died so that others in foreign lands can have the freedom we have.
 
DIVORCE AGREEMENT (written by an unknown student)



Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
 

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