Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

Doctors vs. Gun Owners





Doctors



(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is



700,000.



(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians



per year are



120,000.



(C) Accidental deaths per physician

is



0.171.







Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health and Human Services.









Now think about this:



Guns



(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.





is



80,000,000.



(Yes, that's 80 million)



(B) The number of accidental gun deaths



per year, all age groups,



is



1,500.



(C) The number of accidental deaths



per gun owner



is



.000188.



Statistics courtesy of FBI









So, statistically, doctors are approximately



9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.







Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'







FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,



BUT



Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!







Please alert your friends



to this



alarming threat.



We must ban doctors



before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!







Out of concern for the public at large,



I withheld the statistics on



lawyers



for fear the shock would cause



people to panic and seek medical attention



Sandy Malone

Prime Whitetails

Rush, NY

A man and his blonde wife-I mean, intellectually challenged wife were laying in bed one night, trying to go to sleep. The neighbor's dog was barking, and they couldn't catch a wink. Finally, the wife got up, said she was going to take care of it, and returned in five minutes.



She had a big smirk on her face and the husband asked, "What did you do? I still hear the dog barking!"



She replied, "I moved the dog to our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like it!"

My Favorite Animal



Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.



My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.



I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.



So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.





I told her, "Colonel Sanders."



Guess where I am now...

Good caption for the picture!!

Nick, I mostly get them from the radio or pick it up off the network of guys who email me worthless stuff.

A couple of rednecks were squirrel hunting when they came across a big hole in the ground. It was so huge, in fact, that they couldn't see the bottom. One found an old transmission, and the two tossed it over the edge and waited to hear the thud at the bottom. Just then, they heard a noise in the brush behind them, and were surprised to see a goat come flying by, and jumped right in the hole.



A few minutes later, a farmer arrived and asked if they had seen his goat. They explained that he had run by just minutes ago and dove head-first into the mammoth opening. Then the farmer said, "That's impossible! Why, I had that old billy goat chained to a transmission!"

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Sorry to those ladies who read this, but I couldn't resist!

I was at the Bank's ATM today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance... So I pushed her,she fell over, her balance was not very good.

Two old men, Bill and Fred were talking about their favorite restaurants they frequented. One of them said he and his wife had recenty found a new one they liked and the food was great with senior discounts. "What's the name of it" asked the other. "Wait a second, Fred. I'll need help with this. "What's the name of a very fragrant flower with the thorny bush"? asked Bill. A rose? asked Fred. YES...YES...that's it! Hey Rose, yelled Bill to his wife, what's the name of that new restaurant we found?"

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed

a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.



The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.



'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had

tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your

rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the

doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.





Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife to make love.



Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.



About 6 hours later, the

husband goes to his wife and says,



'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.



Could we please do it one more time?'



Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.



Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch

and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.



He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,



'Honey, please.... just one more time before I die.'



She says, 'Of course, Dear, and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending death,



tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.



Do you think we could....'



At this point the wife sits

up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough



I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Nerd Overpopulation



This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.



The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"



The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."



The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.



The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"



The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."



The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.



He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.



The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."



"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Neighbors in Montana



A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.



After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.



"Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time".



Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?"



" Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.



The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"



One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

Obama care, RIP

two blondes were walking home from a bar one night when they suddenly stopped and looked down. The 1st blonde says that they are rabbit tracks. The 2nd blonde says they are deer tracks. They were standing there 30 minutes later when the train hit them.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs and balls of steel???



SPARKY

What did one casket say to the other?



"Hey, is that you coughin'?"

Tim and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. 



Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Tim became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.



On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"



Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."



"I see," Tim replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."