Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York deer farmers found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the east coast deer farmers, in the weeks that followed a Texas deer farmer dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after a story in the TDA Times read: Texas deer farmer reports that after finding 200 year old copper wire, he has concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced, high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than New York Deer farmers."



One week later, a local newspaper in Wisconsin reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his Deer pasture near Gillett, Wisconsin, Apple Creek team a self-taught archaeologist/Deer Farmer, reported that they found absolutely nothing. Apple Creek has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless".



Just makes a person proud to be Wisconsin Deer Farmer .

A woman who was shopping for a pet found this ad in the local newspaper:



Pure-bred trained police dog for sale, $25 obo



She thinks it is too good to be true, so she calls the number. The seller confirms that the dog is trained and indeed will only cost $25. She says she can pay upon delivery.



Two days later a police car pulls in the drive, and out steps an officer with the ugliest dog the woman had ever seen. Furious, she asks why they had advertised the dog as a pure-bred police dog when obviously, it was only a mut.



The officer says, "he is working under cover!"

Here's an old one; Scott's usage of copper wire in his joke reminded me. How WAS copper wire invented? Answer : a Jew and a Scott fighting over a penny.

For all you golfers:



A man goes home from playing golf one afternoon and sees a note on his front door that reads: "If you ever want to see your wife alive again, bring $50,000 cash to the 17th green at the club tomorrow morning at 10:00 sharp."



The man does as instructed, and when he arrives on the 17th green, a man jumps out from behind the bushes and says, "Hey, man, you're 3 hours late!"



The golfer replies, "Give me a break! I have a 27 Handicap!"



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Two guys went out to play a round one afternoon. The first guy hit the ball straight and far, right down near the green. The second guy gets up to tee off, looks up, looks down, looks up...looks right, left, adjusts his stance, stretches, takes more practice swings, drops some grass to test the wind...finally, his partner says, "Come on! What is taking you so long?"



The second golfer says, "My wife is watching me up from the clubhouse. I want to make a good shot."



The first golfer says, "Forget it! You'll never hit her from here!"

Did you all hear about all the LSU fans getting stuck in New Orleans last night???



Alabama fans painted a 50 yard line on the interstate and none of them would cross it!!!!!!!

The Year 2013 . . .

One sunny day in January 2013, an old man approached the White House

from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.



He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."



The Marine looked at the man and said,

"Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."



The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,

"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."



The Marine again told the man,

"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President andno longer resides here."



The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,

"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama.

I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here.

Don't you understand?"



The old man looked at the Marine and said. . .

"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."



The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

"See you tomorrow, Sir.

lol Good one Mike! Got me laughing out loud.

Two Okie republicans (luv ya' Tim) were vacationing in Washington D.C. and wanted to visit the white house before Obama was kicked out. Nearing the front gates they happened to see an 18 wheeler going in with a big load of green sod. One loudly exclaimed "For Heaven's sake man, no wonder this nation is going broke. He's been sending the white house lawn out to get mowed"!

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.



"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.



"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..



"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.



"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."



"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.



"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."



Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"



The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes

over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to

him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel

and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale

this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it

dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit

card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really

embarrassed, but then realizes... there is no way the blind clerk could tell

it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only

person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod

and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is

$11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word

Here is a funny picture I found online. Hope you all like it.

Being married is alot like a deck of cards. At first it is all hearts and diamonds after 35 years you wish for a club and a spade.

Gaylen C said:

Being married is alot like a deck of cards. At first it is all hearts and diamonds after 35 years you wish for a club and a spade.

Click to expand...

Shoot, shovel, shut up!

Just got this in an email...



In honor of the 44th. president of the US, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road.



Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and is surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.



The cost is $92.84 per scoop... so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some change.



When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.



You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.



Aren't you just stimulated?

A small-town business put a flyer in their window that read:



Help Wanted

F/T M-F

Must have typing skills, have a working knowledge of common computer programs, and be bilingual.



Not minutes after posting the ad in the window, a dog was strolling by on the sidewalk, saw the ad, and went in. He walked up to the receptionist, wagged his tail, and went over to the ad and started whining. She didn't know what was going on, or what to do, so she went to get the office manager.



The manager walked into the lobby and started laughing, but then when the dog stuck his paw out to shake hands, the manager decided to entertain the dog with an interview, and took him to the back of the office.



The dog went right in and jumped into the chair across from the manager's desk. The manager said, "I realize you are looking for a job, but this is ridiculous. The sign clearly says that you must have typing skills."



The dog jumped down, ran over to a typerwriter, efficiently typed out a form letter, gently took it from the roller with his teeth, and took it to the manager, who was quite impressed.



The manager smirked, and said, "There's no way you could know anything about computers. You're just a dog, for crying out loud!"



The dog went around his desk, stood on his rear legs, and built an impressive spreadsheet, ran through the company's database, saved all his files on the desktop, and looked up the company's current stock rates on the internet. The manager was floored...



The manager was not only impressed, but also a little bit irritated. He looked at the dog and said, "You must not have read the entire poster on the window in the front. It says you must be b-i-l-i-n-g-u-a-l!



The dog wagged his tail, looked the manager straight in the eye, and said "MEOW"

A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco .



While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.



It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.



He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"



"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.



The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.



As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street.



This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.



A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.



Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing louder and louder -- and were coming toward him faster and faster..



Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay..



Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.



The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown . "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?



"Are you kidding?," said the man,



"I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.



As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor .



She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.



The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

Phillip.....now that's some funny stuff right there......lol

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,



"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."



The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,

"You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.



She rolled her eyes and said,

"You must be a Republican."



"I am," replied the man.

"How did you know?"



"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."



The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."



"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"



"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

PRICELESS!!!

A State Trooper pulled over a blonde driver on a lonely back road and says, ''Ma'am, is there a reason you are swerving all over the road?'' The woman replied, ''Oh officer, I am so glad you're here. I'm so shaken! I almost had an accident!! I was just driving along, and I looked up there was a tree right in front of me. So I swerved to the left and then there was another tree in front of me. So I swerved to the right and another tree was in front of me!''

I was so scared!!

The officer calmly reached through the window in front of the rattled woman to the rear view mirror, and explains, ''Ma'am...that's your air freshner.''