Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole.



He asked his Scottish caddy if he had noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replied:



"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "

The President picked up his driver and cleaned the club face, at which point the caddy said:



"No, the other end

Crowned as the new king!

This story never gets old...



Why we shoot deer in the wild:

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)



I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.



I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.



The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.



That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it ****** me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.



A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.



I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.



Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.



The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.



It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.



That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.



Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.



This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.



Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.



I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!



All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

Omg thank you for that!!!!

My wife was on my case about fixing the downspout coming off the corner of the barn, because without it, recent rains have been drowning the tulip bulbs along the edge of the barn that she planted last year. Last weekend, I had finally had enough. I had the boys come over and we spent 4 hours, but we got it done. This is what we came up with:

A farmer had five open does. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the nearby exotic sale barn and sell them. At the sale, he met another farmer who owned five yearling bucks. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the animals and split everything 50/50.



The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each to an abandoned playground with 8' fences where their deer could mate. The first morning, the farmer with the does got up at 5 A.M., darted and loaded them into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.



While the deer were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're bedded in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're running the fences, they're not."



The next morning the does were running the fences. So he darted them, loaded them into the station wagon again and drove to meet the other farmer to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were about worn out.



About two weeks later the farmer with the does was too tired to get out of bed. He said to his wife, "Honey, please go look outside and tell me whether the girls are bedded down or running along the fence." "Neither," replied his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Definition of "service":



I become confused when I hear the word

"Service"used with these agencies:



Internal Revenue 'Service'



US Postal 'Service'



Telephone 'Service'



Cable TV'Service'



Civil 'Service'



Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'



Customer

'Service'



This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.



But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to 'Service'his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.



You are now as enlightened as I am.

Probably no joke:



THE COYOTE



California :



The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.



A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.



1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.



2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.



3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.



4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.



5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.



6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.



7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.



8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.



9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State. The case drags on for three years. PETA eventually drops the case. The State's legal fees: $1.2 million.





TEXAS:



The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.



1. Before his dog can be injured, the Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.



2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.



And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

TOOLS AND THEIR USES:





SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.



BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s---.'



DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



Channel Locks:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle . . . It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



PVC PIPE CUTTER:

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.



HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.



SOB TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

I'm literally in tears this morning Phillip!!!! Thanks for that on my Friday morning, gonna be a good weekend!-Jason Savage

Posters every man should have in the garage:

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned

to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike

up a conversation with your fellow passenger."



The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total

stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"



"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,

or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.



"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same

stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"



The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which

the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss

God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"



And then she went back to reading her book.

DEMOCRACY AND RACISM EXPLAINED.



A <minority kid asks his mother, "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?"



"Well, son, Democracy is when white folks work every day so we can get all our benefits,

you knows like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps,

WIC, free healthcare, utility subsidy, & on & on, you knows, that's Democracy".



"But mama, don't the white people get mad about that?



"Sure they do, that's called Racism!"



(Never more simply explained)

Cletus & Billy Bob:



Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere (I really think it was a Ford New Holland) tractor.



Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.



Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.



Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"



"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..



"But me'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to

a tractor."

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.







My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.



Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.







Time for another beer.

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck

Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I returned to the dealer yesterday

Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again 'Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant' Georgia On My Mind'replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,

Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light

And nearly creamed my new truck ,

But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'DUMB ***!'

Immediately the radio responded with, Ladies and gentlemen,

I love this truck....

My little bros favorite joke.... 3 men walked into a bar, the fourth one ducked.

So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, what's with the long face?"