A story I read, I had to share!

I went to Home Depot recently, while not being altogether sure that

course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had

prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're

definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit

hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee

from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL

fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups

of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No

'Watson's Movement #2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way

through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning

symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.





Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,

I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to

refinish the dining room. Upon entering the store at first all seemed

normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in

for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store

from the restrooms that the pain hit me.





Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

#####, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit

us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The

habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.



In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small

intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I

could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring

sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.





There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped

in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I

was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.





Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my

body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange

aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.





I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction

would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you

ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I

mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.



I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he

walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so

terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,

was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though

trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

........BIG mistake!!!!!





Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped

down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue

burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I

was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that

someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off

through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole

way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took

place.





Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began

the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my

##### is burning SO BAD, purging.



One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true

meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly

said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then

quickly left.





Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled

cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee

approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few

minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.

The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two

which ought to take care of the problem.'





My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape

me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to

cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S

YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was

unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not

to return....



Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went

to shop at Lowes . I can't say anymore about that because we are in

court over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to have to

repaint the store!

A french doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.



A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put in another and have him looking for a job in four weeks.



The Russian doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person put it in a another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.



An American doctor, not to be outdone says 'you guys are way behind. We recently took a guy with no brains out of Illinois and put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

A redneck family from the hills of Alabama were visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like

that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old

lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. When the walls

opened up again, a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his

son..........



'Boy..................go gitcha Momma.............