Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

[ANTLER VALLEY]

I thoroughly enjoyed the joke thread last year, thought I'd get an early start on it this year so when the breeding is done and the hayin' starts, we'll have something to tickle our ribs with...



How do you sneak up on a unique rabbit? You neek up on him!



How do you sneak up on a tame rabbit? The tame way!



What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.



What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.



What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.



What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand? Cuatro cinco!



What do you call a sunken car, twitching on the ocean's floor? Nervous wreck.



What coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.



What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky-diver?



A bad golfer goes, "Wack, ah, man!"

A bad sky-diver goes, "Ah, man! Wack!"

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

HONEST LAWYER:



A woman, who had been working for an investment counselor for 12 years, decided to put in her notice and start her own business doing the same line of work. She decided she'd need to hire a lawyer to help her through the process.



After having interviewed dozens of applicants, she found one who claimed to be an "honest" lawyer.



She asked him, "how can you prove you're honest?"



He replied, "well, my father gave me $120,000 to help me out with my education, and I paid it all back to him after I won my first three lawsuits."



The counselor thought for a moment, and said, "Very good! Do you still stay in conctact with your father?"



The young lawyer replied, "Not so much since he won $120,000 from me in a lawsuit!"

 

[South Alabama Whitetails]

I figured out why the Alabama players have been flat the last several games. They found out that Cam Newton was being paid more! War Eagle

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

KIDS IN CHURCH



3-year-old Reese :

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

' Ryan , you be Jesus !'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[richie0033]

Not funny Easterbrook!!!

 

[Split-Hoof]

I figured out why the Alabama players have been flat the last several games. They found out that Cam Newton was being paid more! War Eagle

War Scam Eagle!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[South Alabama Whitetails]

I figured you would like that richie.

 

[Split-Hoof]

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a crimson and white sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Bama logo flag, and in every window, a Alabama Crimson Towel. Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said "So what's your point Peyton?" "Well, why does Greg McElroy get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said



"Peyton, that's not Greg's house, it's mine.

***Roll T1de***

 

[ER Whitetails]

Church Fart



This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.



An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, he writes a note and hands it to his wife.



It says,

" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"



She scribbles back,

" Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[CurtisLloyd]

Americians and Canadians have a few thing in common for example both California and British Columbia can be both described with the same single word..... granola



the reason being is that what ever is not fruits or flakes ...is nuts

 

[Gaylen C]

Two elderly women always attended church together. One Sunday about half-way through the sermon the one says to the other " I think my butt has fallen asleep." The reply was " I know, I heard it snore three times."

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Americians and Canadians have a few thing in common for example both California and British Columbia can be both described with the same single word..... granola



the reason being is that what ever is not fruits or flakes ...is nuts

I'd give my left...um, shoe...to have a cabin in BC, fruits and nuts or not!

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Montana Bear Tragedy



This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.



This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!



The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife.



Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party— as they have apparently learned to just sit on their ass and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.



This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed…



Bearack Obearma.

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.



The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."



The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."



The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.



The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.



One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."



The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.



"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."



"Hasn't affected my brothers, though."

 

[Circle J Ranch]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

[Wisdom]

I have some very sad news out of Duluth, Minnesota this morning to share with everyone. This will bring about change in North & South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa and parts of Canada. This will bring far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest Heritage and Souls.



I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for Terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, Who are you and what are you doing?�



OLE shouted back, BIN LOGGIN!



OLE is survived by his wife LENA and good friend SVEN.

Note: You got to be from the Midwest to understand this one.

 

[Circle J Ranch]

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said..

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

 

[Circle J Ranch]

heres another one for ya! The better half keeps sending them to me. I laugh my A** off so just passing them along!







A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

FOX HUNTING IN COLORADO:



I guess they do things a little different there...

 

[Circle J Ranch]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started