Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

[Whitetail Sanctuary]

Man exits the restroom..... young lady at the counter informs him that he has left his garage door open. The boastfull gent asks the clerk if she saw his harley parked in that "garage" and winks..........The young lady quickly replies "NO SIR.......ALL I SAW PARKED IN THAT GARAGE WAS A MINI BIKE WITH TWO FLATS!

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

I wonder if I could get a pig through the TSA the next time I fly!

 

[Scrapelineranch]

Looking for anything that could add money to the county's funds, President Obama's economic advisors are trying their hardest to comply with the President's latest mandate. Obama wants to change the name of the AIDS virus. The President has been told by other White House study groups that too many people are applying for it.

 

[Headley]

This is the bigest joke every for a President Obama.

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Why do elk have such long antlers?



It's a guy thing...no matter what species!

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

A deer farmer, a deer hunter, and the HSUS president, Wayne Pacelle all decided to spend a few afternoons on a beautiful cliff where they could talk about which direction the voice of the people was going. Each thought it would be good to bring a lunch and make a picnic of the ordeal.



The first day they made little progress. The hunter had an elk venison sandwich, the farmer had a deer venison sandwich, and the HSUS guy had a lettuce sandwich.



The second day came, also with little progress, and they decided to break and eat their lunches. The hunter pulled out an elk venison sandwich, and said, "I'm getting tired of elk meat. I've had it every day for a week! If my sandwich has elk in it tomorrow, I'm going to jump right off this cliff!"



The farmer pulled out a deer venison sandwich, and lamented the same feelings.



Finally, the HSUS president pulled out yet another lettuce sandwich, and agreed that he was sick of his food and would join them by jumping the following day if he had the same thing.



The third day arrived and not only was there absolutely no progress, but fists were flying. Finally, after everyone was worn out, they decided to eat their lunch before someone got really hurt. The hunter pulled out an elk sandwich, made a face of disgust, and jumped, dying at the point of impact. The farmer had a deer sandwich and bailed off just as quickly. The HSUS president also had his normal lettuce sandwich and jumped to the bottom of the canyon and landed with a thud...



A few days later, at the mass funeral for the three men who jumped, the wives were trying to console one another. The hunter's wife said, "I only made him elk sandwiches because I thought he loved them so much!"



The farmer's wife said, "Me, too! I thought my husband loved those deer venison sandwiches! I feel terrible!"



The HSUS' First Lady said, "I don't know what happened! My husband makes his own sandwiches!"

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Ms. Miller, a kindergarten teacher, went to school on her birthday. The children were excited to have cookies and punch to celebrate, and a few brought their teacher a gift.



The first little boy gave his teacher her gift. His parents owned a floral shop, and the teacher sniffed the box, and guessed it was a flower. The boy was astonished that she could guess that...



The second was a little girl, who's parents owened a candy store. The teacher shook the box and told the girl she thought it was candy. The girl couldn't believe that her teacher was such a lucky guesser!



The third student gave his present to Ms. Miller...his parents owned the local liquor store. This box was leaking a little at the corner. She was sure it was something that shouldn't be in school, but she'd keep it her little secret. She wiped a drop from the corner of the box, tasted it and guessed it was wine. The boy said...nope! She took another taste and guessed that it was champaigne. The boy smiled and said NOPE! The teacher was really curious by this time, and asked what was in the box. The boy said, "It's a new puppy!"

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Dear Santa...

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Once, a school teacher, a garbage truck driver, and a big-city lawyer were all involved in the same collision on the interstate, and all three perished. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter had the following questions for them, and correct answers would ensure their entrance.



To the school teacher, he asked, "What did the Titanic collide with that caused all those people to die?" The teacher responded, "Iceburg", and he let her pass.



To the trash truck driver, he said..."How many people died in that accident?" Luckily for the driver, he'd just seen the movie, and said..."about 1500, I think." That answer was really close, so St. Peter let him in, too.



Finally, the lawyer was asked this from St. Peter: "Please name all 1500 of those people!"

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Two foreign nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yell, "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get"?

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it? 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

 

[Headley]

Sunday Morning Christians



The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,

stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red

light by accelerating through the intersection.



The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in

frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,

dropping her cell phone and makeup.



As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up

into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to

exit her car with her hands up..



He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,

photographed, and placed in a holding cell.



After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the

door. She was escorted back to the booking desk



where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.



He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your

car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you

and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'

bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to

Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish

emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''





Joe Headley

Alabama' Finest Whitetails

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Spring arrives and the bar owner decides to take his parrot outside in his cage and let him get some fresh air. When he goes back inside the bar an old lady comes walking down the sidewalk, the parrot screeches "Hey lady, you're ugly." This did not make the old lady happy, and she left stomping off mad as a wet hen.

The next day same thing happens. Only this time, the lady went into the bar and asked who owned the parrot, to which the bar owner admitted that he did. The old lady explained what had happened the last two days with the parrot, and said that if that bird called her ugly again she was going to sue him. He assures her it wont happen again.

After she left, the bar owner went to the bird and explained the situation. "Look, don’t tell that lady she is ugly anymore! She said she'd sue me, take over the bar, and start serving parrot on the menu!"

So the next, the little old lady decided to come down to the bar and see if the bird had learned it's lesson. When she got close, she heard the familiar voice of the bird screech "Hey Lady!"

"What?" she answered back.

The parrot then winked at her and said "You know..."

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex?" She said, "Wear a sweater."

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. "Come with me", said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool. "Wow, thank you!", said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up", said the Priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."

"Yes, that's true" said St. Peter. "But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

Three guys go hunting. They stop at a farmer's house and the driver gets out and goes to the house to ask him if he would allow them to hunt on his property. He tells him yes on one condition, he has an old horse that needs to be be put down, but he doesn't have the heart to do it. The hunter tells him no problem. On his way back to the truck, he decideds to play a joke on his hunting buddies. So he goes stomping up to the truck, opens the door and complains about the farmer not letting them hunt and he is going to go and shoot one of his horses to get even. He grabs his rifle and takes off. On his way back from doing the deed, he's chuckling to himself about how his buddies are going to react. Suddenly he hears boom, boom, boom. When he gets back to the truck his hunting buddies come running up yelling "Yeah and we got three of his cows too!"

 

[IndependenceRanch]

Now that's what I'm talking about!



This story out of Florida. Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or

whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the

cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed

carry permit.



"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you

carrying today?"



"Yes, I am."



"Well then, better tell me what you got."



Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.

There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a 22 magnum

derringer in my right boot."



"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"



"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."



"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"



"Nope.."



"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"



"Not a *** damned thing..."



Edited from original version

 

[IndependenceRanch]

My own personal quote for the day.



Jealousy.... A dark, cold hearted bitch, who insists on preventing the holder of enjoying life.



Here ends today's lesson

 

[IndependenceRanch]

I got this today and had a pretty good laugh from it so here ya go, enjoy.



ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!



This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough) You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport office...





Dear Sirs,



I'm in the process of renewing my passport,

and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable T.V. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal

Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.



For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.



Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd

be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!



I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this ********! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address?



What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal ***** working there!



Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig upYasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.



And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!



Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate,

to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??



Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons)



Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!



Signed - An Irate Citizen.



P.S.. Remember



What I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........I have served in the military for something over

30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang..........However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !



Sincerely,

 

[ANTLER VALLEY]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD FROM THE " SAVANNAH TRIBUNE" NEWSPAPER ........



AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.



Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.



I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.



First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!



I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].



After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!



I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]



I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.



Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.



The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).



In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!



Thoughtfully yours,



Alex