Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

Maxine on technology:



I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod!

…and how was your day?

That's what happens when old people start using technology !

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth. Give me an Amen Brother!!!

A man and woman were spending their 10th anniversary apart, as they were both working. During lunch, the wife called her husband and said, "Last night, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace for our 10th anniversary! What do you think that means?"



The husband replied, "I guess you'll find out tonight, won't you?" The wife was ecstatic...she couldn't wait to get home and get dressed and ready to go out on the town. She was thinking of what outfit would best be suited to wear with a new diamond necklace!



The husband came home, and she was ready. He took a quick shower, and they left. During dinner at a fancy restaraunt, the wife couldn't contain herself. She kept hinting that she was ready to open her gift. Finally, the husband gave in, and handed her a small box wrapped in shiny paper. She was delighted...she already knew that it was exactly what she was looking for! She tore off the paper with haste, and to her surprise, the box didn't contain a diamond necklace. Instead, what her husband had given her, was a book entitled, "Dreams. How to Decipher Them"

After watching this video I feel totally reassured that some people should not be allowed to reproduce.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8

I got this from a friend.





Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).







It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.



He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.



We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?



That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.



On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …



My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.







The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.



“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.



“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”



How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?



Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.



People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it’s way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.



Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).



“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.



“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”



“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.



“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.



It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.



Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.



We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.



He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.



I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.



Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.



“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”



“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.



“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”



*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*



“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”



“Okay, are you sure you’re …”



“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”



This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!



Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.



But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re happily married.

Funny stuff, i actually was busting a gut at one point!

Purdue University:



Natural Born Citizens



I don't know whether to laugh or cry...



You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.



In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.



However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.



The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"



Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among us...



Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!

I got this in an email....







In NC, Sunday hunting was legalized last year for archery only.



I did all my prep-work . . .

I scouted the area all summer. . .

I searched out the best location for my tree-stand .. . .

I set it all up a month ahead of time . . .

I trailed the herd . . .

I picked out a trophy buck . . .



Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt . . .

Everything was in place . . .

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . . .

I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand .. . .

This was destined to be an epic hunt . . .

As I approached my deer stand . . .









I changed my mind, - decided to go to church instead.

I thought some might get a laugh at this but, he really is a great looking buck.

Well as long as he throws as good as Tim you should have a winner.... just dont make him second string next year.

He looks an aweful lot like Hunters Tea.



Which his team is the Steelers.



Dillian he is first string this year.

I just received these in an email.... thought it might be appreciated!

Heres more! The last picture also had a caption that read "You can't see me in this photo, but I'm about six feet in front of that cat."

New Welcome Sign:

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.



The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses.



She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."



She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."



She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"



As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.



She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?



The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"



He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."



She paid it and left without saying a word.

Teacher arrested and awaits trial:



A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.



He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.



'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."



When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

A man is driving down the road when he breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"





The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..



That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.



The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."



The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"



The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."



The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."



The monks reply, "Congratulations! You are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"





The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.



Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.



The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."



The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight



But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE ***** WHO STARTED THIS!

This is our Indian Out front during election season!!!

Justifying your participation in a gun buy-back program:



Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.



Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."



"Very good", said the teacher.



Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.



"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"



Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"



"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."