Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

LOL.....I am not jewish, but I am so glad we are friends with Isreal, and I hope it stays that way. 18 months until the election and hopefully this madness will stop.

Smoking_44 said:

LOL.....I am not jewish, but I am so glad we are friends with Isreal, and I hope it stays that way. 18 months until the election and hopefully this madness will stop.

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Ditto. Couldn't have said it better. But who is going to be the best Republican candidate? I heard Juliani might make an announcement this week-he'll get my vote. I would bet my best buck that Hillary is thinking about making an unusual same-party run against the incumbant! Not that she would have much better of a chance...but seriously, if we don't have a GREAT republican opponent, we might be stuck with another 4 years of this. Now that Bin Laden is gone the ratings are way too high...

So far the GOP doesn't have anyone that has said they are running that can beat obama. I just hope someone jumps in that can. Bachman or Palin might. Maybe a new1st for the presidency, a woman? I dont trust romney for some reason. Hilary might, but you never know what's up with her. I dont think she could beat him if she did run.

Smoking_44 said:

So far the GOP doesn't have anyone that has said they are running that can beat obama. I just hope someone jumps in that can. Bachman or Palin might. Maybe a new1st for the presidency, a woman? I dont trust romney for some reason. Hilary might, but you never know what's up with her. I dont think she could beat him if she did run.

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Palin has no chance at being better, but I believe Congress would run her, not the other way around. This is not a sexist statement-I just believe that ifi it hadn't been for McCain she'd be at the bottom of all the state governors in terms of capabilities and agendas. I'll vote for any woman I think can run this country better than where we are today!

Jesus and Moses took an old man to play golf one day. They were teeing off at the first hole when Moses hit his ball right into the pond beside the fairway. He walked down, parted the water, and chipped it onto the green.



Jesus drove his ball to the other side of fairway, also into a pond. He went down to the pond, walked across the water, and chipped the ball onto the green.



The old man drove his ball too far. It sailed right over the green and straight into a big lake that curled around the green. Suddenly, a fish jumped out of the water and had the ball in its mouth...an eagle swooped down and grabbed up the fish. The eagle was climbing in the sky when a bolt of lightning struck nearby the bird. The startled bird dropped the fish, which, upon hitting the ground, lost the ball from its mouth, where it rolled into the cup for a Hole in One.



Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "Dad, if you're going to play like this all day, you can wait at the clubhouse!"

Hunters in Alabama:



In a camp of a half-dozen hunters, everyone decided it would be best to pair up and hunt with someone. An hour after dark two pairs had returned, and finally one of the last pair walked into camp, toting an 8-pt. buck on his shoulder. "Where is Larry!", asked one man. "Oh, he had a stroke about a mile back so I figured we'd go back and get him." "You brought back a deer but left your hunting buddy out in the woods?" Thene he said, "Well I didn't figure anyone would steal Larry!"



Mississippi: Two guys pull into a gas station and left their truck running while they went inside. They heard tires squeal and saw the truck disappear. The owner of the truck asked his buddy, "Did you see who was driving?" Then the buddy: "No, but I got the license number!"



Georgia: A small business owner was paying some bills and one invoice was giving him fits. He called in his secretary and said, "it says here that if I pay before the first of next month that I can subtract 3%. So if I gave you $20,000 and told you to take off 3%, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Oh, I'd take off everything but my earrings!"

Need tips for a friend of mine on "HOW TO PROPERLY TRAP A 3-LEGGED RACCOON".

He is currently using a live trap but the raccoon is getting the best of them right now. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Two elemntary school teachers, both well groomed and sophisticated ladies, were taking their 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders for a field trip before the summer vacation started. The chose Church Hill Downs because the kids wanted to see the throughbred horses. The teachers were aware that bourbon was weaved through the industry in many facets, but figured they could explain to the students the bad side of alcohol. It would be a kool-aid day for them all. Everything went well and the kids were about to get on the school bus for the return trip to the school yard. As previously agreed between the two lady teachers they would split the class up between boys and girls and each would take their kids to the bathroom before getting on the bus. After a short minute one of the little boys came out of the bathroom holding himself (you know what I mean). He explained to the teacher that the urinals were too high for some of the boys to use. With true grit the teacher follows the tike into the bathroom. She politely lined up those who had not been able to pee. One by one she held their pee-wee so that they wouldn't pee on their britches. On the last one she couldn't help but notice this guy was so much more endowed than any of the rest of the boy's. She caught herself staring in amazment at the "you know what" of the last one in line. As she realized what she was doing she promply asked the last one if he happened to be one of the 5th graders. "No Ma'm. That was me who just finished 2nd on Silver Streak on the last race, but thank you for being the fan that you are".

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa



I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets



You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools



A friend of mine has just told me he's dating his girlfriend and her twin.

I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"



Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.

I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!



The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

Important information from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) regarding



Gonorrhea Lectim



The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent straing of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. it's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.



The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sicknes is.



It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.



Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.



Please pass this important message on to all those bright folks you really care about.

Top 5 wise old thoughts of a married man:



Women like to marry military men-they're in good shape, good health, can cook, clean, sew, make his own bed, and know how to take orders!



When a man and woman marry, they become one...the problem is figuring out which one!



Most couples marry for "better and worse", but not "good".



Trouble comes when a man is too busy out earning his salt that he forgets the sugar.



Whether your finances turn into a nestegg or a goose egg depends on what kind of chick you marry!

I know DNA Solutions is expensive but a $10,000 reserve?

http://www.whitetailexchange.net/auction/2-DNA-profiles-from-DNA-Solutions,name,141229,auction_id,auction_details

A teacher gave her kids Lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by the colors - red/cherry, yellow/lemon, green/lime, orange. Finally the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. She said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God, they're ********!" The teacher had to leave the room.*

man running for the restroom uses the ladies room in a posh hotel by accident, he sits down and notices 4 buttons-WW,WA,PP and ATR. curious he presses WW he gets gently sprayed with warm water, then he presses WA and a blast of warm air dries him. he then presses PP and gets a powder puff which leaves him smellin fresh. Feeling pampered he presses ATR..He wakes up in the hospital and asks the nurse what happened. Shes says ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover your ***** is under the pillow!

Perry for President!

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)

event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas, if anybody

wants them. Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters

with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

This is no "joke":



The folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff

Because the folks who are paying for the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff,



And, the folks who are paying for the free stuff, want the free stuff to stop. And the folks who are getting the free stuff, want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!



Now... The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free stuff, Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, That the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, Are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.



So... the people who are GETTING the free stuff, Have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff, By the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, And giving them the free stuff in the first place.



We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are Now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff.



Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.



The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 231 years ago. The number of people now

getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff. We have one chance to change that in 2012. Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.



ELECTION 2012 IS COMING



A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!



I'M 100% for PASSING THIS ON!!!



Let’s Take a Stand!!!







Obama: Gone!

Borders: Closed!



Language: English only



Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!



Drug Free:Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!



NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!



We the people are coming

A man was sitting at the Blackjack table, holding a 13 in his hand when he and his dealer began arguing as to whether he should be tipping the dealer.



The player stated that it was not the dealer's fault if he gave bad cards, nor to his credit if he gave good cards, so why should he expect to be tipped?



The dealer asked if the man tipped his waitress when he went out to eat, and he said he in fact did. So the player said, "I tip her because she brings me what I order, so with that logic, I'll take an 8!"

GUNS OR WOMEN?



TOP 10 REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN:



#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.



#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.



#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.



#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.



#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.



#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.



#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.



#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"



#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number One reason

Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....



#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!



LIVE DANGEROUSLY!

Tom, ****, and Harry went on their vacation to Texas to see if things were really bigger there. After they ate the biggest steaks they had ever seen, they checked into a motel that was taller than they'd ever seen-600 stories tall. After they'd payed the biggest amount for a motel stay they'd ever heard of, they were informed that they were staying on the top floor, and the biggest elevator known to man was broke down. They sighed in disgust, and began their ascent to the top, using the stairs. After five floors they decided that it was going to be a long, laborious climb, and that they would tell stories to pass the time and to keep their minds off their burning legs.



Tom would tell funny stories for the remainder of the first 200 floors.

**** would tell happy stories for the second 200 floors.

Harry would tell sad stories for the last of the 600 floors.



To their surprise, the funny stories made the first 200 flights go by quickly.

****'s happy stories lifted their spirits, and the second 200 floors came and went.

Two hours after beginning their climb, Harry began his first sad story with, "...the saddest story in Texas...I left the key to our room at the front desk "