Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

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This video was great. I wish I lived in Texas just so I could vote for this guy. By the way I had to share this on my facebook page or I don't think I could live with myself.
 
you got to love Texas. You sure don't see that in the land of linclon unfortunately. Rick
 
When you have an

'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



The deer business is great most days but today after one dead and 4 poopy buts this really helped me out a lot.:)



For an instant better day



Try this out:



Stop at your pharmacy and go to the

thermometer section and purchase

a rectal thermometer made by

Johnson & Johnson.



Be very sure you get this brand.



When you get home, lock your

doors, draw the curtains and

disconnect the phone so

you will not be disturbed.



Change into very comfortable

clothing and sit in your favorite

chair. Open the package and

remove the thermometer.



Now, carefully place it on a table

or a surface so that it will not

become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.



Take out the literature from

the box and read it carefully.



You will notice that in small

print there is this statement:







"Every Rectal Thermometer

made by Johnson & Johnson

is personally tested

and then sanitized."





Now, close your eyes and repeat

out loud five times,' I am so glad

I do not work in the thermometer

quality control department at

Johnson & Johnson.'





HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE

WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A

PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!







…if you haven't got a smile on your face

and laughter in your heart...



Maybe you should go and work

for Johnson and Johnson!









Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!:)
 
three farmers one with a yellow combine,one with a red combine and one with a green combine meet at a crossroads while driving back to their farmyards they park in a harvested field to talk about the state of farming in their area...as things usually do they deteriorated into talk of who's machine was best , the one with the yellow one said I'll show you how precise mine is and fired it up and chased down a mouse that came out the chopper in four equal sized pieces, the one with the red combine was next to chase down a mouse and the stream of red that came showed how thorough his machine was, having to uphold the green honor the last farmer found a mouse chased it for a while and let it go, he then chased a second mouse but let it escape too, finally the third mouse was the one he was looking for ,he scooped him up and the little mouse came out of the back of the combine going four times faster than he went in and left a cloud of dust as he ran across the field, as his friends laughed at him he paid no attention as he climbed into the grain hopper , after a few minutes of searching he found what he was looking for and placed one in the hand for each farmer , what is this they asked.... the green farmer replied, mouse testicles....nothing but the seed
 
A guy rushes into his vet's office, holding a limp dog in his arms. The vet rushes back to the operating table and examines the dog, and tells the owner that the dog is dead. The guy doesn't believe it, so he asks for a second opinion. The vet leaves and comes back with a cat, who walks around the table, sniffing the dog all over, and lets out a growl. The vet says the cat agrees that the dog is dead, but the owner still is skeptical, and asks for a third opinion. So, the vet goes out and brings back a yellow lab, who puts his paws on the table, sniffs the motionless dog, and barks. The vet says everyone thinks the dog is dead...finally, the dog's owner accepts the bad news and asks what he owes. The vet says $550, and when asked why so much, he informs the owner that it would have been free, but the owner requested the use of the Cat Scan and the Lab work!
 
A man sees a sign in the window of a restaraunt that says "unique breakfast", so he goes in to see what it is.



The waitress brings him a coffee, and asks what he would like to eat. He asks what the unique breakfast is, and she informs him that it is baked tongue of chicken.



"That's disgusting! I would never eat something that came out of the mouth of a chicken!"



She then asks what he will have instead, and he says, "I guess I'll just have the scrambled eggs."
 
A man takes an unlikely route home from a meeting, late at night. He passes a telephone pole and notices a big flash outside the window. He realizes that he is in a speed-enforced area, and that his picture has been taken, even though he is not speeding. Just to be sure, he drives around the block, and passes it again, going well below the speed limit. Again, the camera flashes. Since he knows he isn't speeding, he figures he'll have some fun with the area police and drives around the block and past the camera another 3 times, and the last at a snail's pace.



Two weeks later, the man receives 5 tickets in the mail, each for $78. Citation? Not wearing a seatbelt x 5. Moral of the story? You can't fix stupid!
 
Man walks into a restaraunt with a full-grown ostrich walking beside him. They sit down and the waitress asks what they want. The man orders a burger, fries, and coke, and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same". The waitress asks for $9.40 and the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket, pays the waitress.



The next day the man and bird walk in, sit down, order the same thing, and pay for exact change. This happens for about 4 days when the waitress starts asking, "Will you have the usual?" to the man. The bird always says, "I'll have the same". One day, though, the man says..."It's Friday. I think I'll have a steak, baked potato, and salad". The bird says, "I'll have the same." The waitress asks for $32.62, and the man pulls the exact change from his pocket and pays for the two meals.



By now the waitress has to ask..."how is it that you always have the exact change?" (Probably wouldn't have been my first question!) The man says, "Well...about five years ago I was cleaning out an attic for an old man, and I found an old lamp. I rubbed it, and out popped a genie, who granted me two wishes! So, instead of wishing for a million bucks like most, I just asked that when I wanted to buy something, the exact change was in my pocket, so I'll never run out. It doesn't matter if I'm buying gum or a Rolls, the exact money is always right there."



Pondering, the waitress asks, "so what was your second wish?"



The guy says..."I never had much luck with the ladies, so I asked for a chick with long legs that would always agree with me!"
 
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.



'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'



'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'



'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'



So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'



The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'



The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'



The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'
 
(as told by Roger Peitrowski)



I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us and

she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on

the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought :



"These Taser guns are well worth the money"
 
St. Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates one day, letting some in, others go...when a cat walked up.



"Hey, I remember you" said St. Peter "you were a nice cat, never scratched the furniture, never got on the counter...you will enter and I will grant you one thing you always wanted."



The cat thought for a minute, and said, "I'd like a satin pillow, just like the one my master had. It looked like a great pillow for a cat." St. Peter made it happen, and told the cat it would be awaiting him inside.



Then a group of mice strolled up. St. Peter said, "I remember you guys! Good mice, never stole food, never chewed through the phone lines...what can I get you-one thing you've always wanted, so that you can use it inside Heaven?"



The mice thought for a minute, then the Chief mouse said, "You know...we used to sit behind the trash can and watch the kids on roller skates. They looked like they were having so much fun. We enjoyed running around, but those skates...they sure looked like the way to move fast! Is it possible we could all have little skates to roll around in Heaven?" St Peter told them he would make a call, and they'd all have skates inside.



The next day St Peter was inside, making his daily rounds, when he came across the cat. He asked the cat if his pillow was satisfactory. The cat said, "It sure was, St. Peter. I love that thing, and the meals on wheels was a nice touch, too!"
 
Forrest Gump is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.





St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though,

that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering

an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'





Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'





St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I

know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.







First:



What two days of

the week

begin with the letter T?









Second:



How many seconds

are there in a year?









Third:



What is God's

first name?'





Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that

you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'







Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?



Shucks, that one

is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'





The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.







'How many seconds in a year?



Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'







Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'







Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '







'Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.



Can you tell me

God's first name'?







'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'





'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'









You are going to love this one.............





'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'

Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,



ANDY WALKS WITH ME,



ANDY TALKS WITH ME,



ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'











St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,



and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
 
You might be a redneck if: (fairly new material)



You've ever been fired from working at a construction site due to your appearance.



You read the Autotrader newspaper with a highlighter in your hand.



You've ever hit a deer with your truck on purpose.



You've ever given rat traps as Christmas gifts.



You've ever been kicked out of a zoo for heckling the monkeys.



You've ever bathed with flea/tick shampoo.



Your kids have taken a siphon hose to school for show-n-tell.



You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.



Your spouse has a beer belly and you find it attractive.



Chiggers are your primary hygene concern.
 
Top 16 tell-tale signs you might be from Arkansas:



You can spit without opening your mouth



You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher



The Salvation Army refuses to take your bed mattress



You have your taxidermist on speed dial



You take a load to the dump and come back with more than you left with



You think a subdivision is a math problem



You miss a day of 5th grade because of Jury Duty



You think fast food is hitting a deer going faster than the posted speed limit



You've ever been in a custody dispute over a hunting dog



You know how many square bales can fit in your car



You think a Quarterhorse is the kitty-ride in front of K-Mart



Your neighbors think you are abducted on a weekly basis because the cops bring you home



The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart



You sit on your roof on Christmas eve with a spotlight and a rifle, hoping to fill your deer tags



Your state's commemorative quarter is two dimes and a nickel taped together



You can read this and laugh about it!
 
Wear protection, it is a must!



The next time Obama, Pelosi, or Reed are on the TV or radio and you are too stunned to turn it off, try this:
 

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