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Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

There was a knock on the door this morning. When I opened it, I found a young man standing there in a suit and tie who said, "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness and would love to talk to you."

When we were both sitting down I turned and asked "So, what is it you’d like to talk about?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Beats me, I've never gotten this far before."
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women swimming in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
 
One afternoon a professor of mathematics sent an e-mail to his wife that said, "Overall, I am happy with you as a wife, but as a man I have certain needs, and given that you are 54 years old now, you are no longer able to satisfy those needs. Subsequently, I will be spending the evening at a hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I hope you will understand. I still love you, and I will be home by midnight."

In response his wife sent him an e-mail that said, "I received your e-mail and I understand. I too will be at a hotel with our 18-year-old pool boy. And being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you will surely realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18, so please don't bother to wait up."
 
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.

Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
 
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What's up?” she asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack,” cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy, Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband... rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

“You rotten *****,” she screams. “My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!”
 
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"


The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this.

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock!

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We' re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .."

"Oh. my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?”

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound

king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel that you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
 
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
 
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
 
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They’d get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard — a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
 They’d all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.



Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.



Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'



Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!



The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.



The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
A guy was walking along the beach, found a bottle, and picked it up. A magical genie popped out and said, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guy said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a highway from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we would need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible. Think of another wish."

The guy thought for a moment and said, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women - what makes them laugh and cry, why are they so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with ...you know, what makes them tick?"

The genie thought for a second, then asked, "Do you want that highway with two lanes or four?"
 
A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"
 
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned seventy-eight ).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 85?”

He looked at me and starting asking questions. “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I'm not doing drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don't,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of ***?”

“No,” I said.

He looked at me and said, “Then, why would you want to live to 85?”
 
A blonde woman is talking to her blonde friend about her love life."I am 45 yrs old and met a 15 year-old boy. I think I love him.

"The friend says "You can't date him. Not only is he only 15, you're three times his age! But, if you wait 15 years, you'll be 60, he'll be 30, and then you'll only be twice his age."

The blonde looks a little bewildered and says, "Wow...how long will I have to wait until we're the same age?"
 
A cowboy rides into town one afternoon, ties his horse up in front of the saloon, then walks around behind the horse, lifts it's tail, and kisses it's rear.

The sheriff, sitting on his chair on the porch in front of the jail sees this and naturally wonders what the heck is going on. He goes up to the cowboy and says, "Hey partner, did I just see what I think I did?"

The cowboy says, "Yep sheriff, I recon so."

So the sheriff asks, "Well why the heck did you kiss that horses rear?"

The cowboy replies, "Cause I got a powerful case of chapped lips."

The sheriff then asks, "And that makes them better???"

And the cowboy replies, "Nope. But it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."
 
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train ride.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.

Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.



HAHAHAHA!!!!
 
For Mother's Day-



A class full of second graders were asked these questions:



Q: What's the difference between Mom and Dad?

A: Mom works at home and at work, Dad just works at work.

A: Mom can talk to teachers without scaring them.

A: Dad is tall and strong, but Mom has all the power; after all, she gets the final say if I want to go to a sleepover.

A: Mom is magic because she makes me feel better without medicine.



Q: What does Mom and Dad do with their spare time?

A: Mom doesn't do "spare time".

A: Mom says she pays bills all day long.



Q: What would make your mom perfect?

A: She's already perfect on the inside, maybe a little plastic surgery on the outside?

A: Diet. Like her hair, I'd like her to dye it blue or something cool like that.



Q: What would you change about your mom?

A: The whole cleaning my room thing-I don't understand why she thinks that is so important.

A: I would make her smarter, so then she'd know that my sister did it!

A: I wish she didn't have those invisible eyes in the back of her head!



Happy Mother's Day!
 
An old Texan walks into a bar, announces that he's rich and bored, and will give any man or woman $500 if they can drink 10 pints of Guinness in five minutes. Nobody said a word, and an Irishman got up and walked out.



The Texan sat at the bar and watched TV, sipping on his drink. After about twenty minutes, he finished and stood up to leave, and the Irishman walked back in. He asked if the $500 offer was still good, and the Texan had the bartender line up the beers.



The Irishman sat down, slammed back all the beers in just over four minutes, and got his money. The Texan said, "I don't understand-why did you leave?"



The Irishman replied, "Well, I didn't want to be embarrassed, so I went down the street to another pub and ordered up ten pints just to be sure I could do it!"
 
Dear President Obama:



I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request. First and foremost,

I will be asking that you return America to its August 20th, 1959

borders so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a

citizen.



Sincerely,



Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
 

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