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Jokes 2010/2011 winter thread

Doctor's lingo, translated:



"let's go ahead and take care of that"="I'm planning a trip to Costa Rica, I want this to be finished before I go."



"let me look at your medical history"="I need to make sure you paid your bill the last time you were here."



"let's schedule another appointment"="I have a tee time in 30 minutes, I have to get out of here."



"I have good news and bad news"="the good news is I'm getting a new BMW, the bad news is you're paying for it."



"let's run another test."="I still have no idea what is wrong with you."



"give me a call next week."="I hope that this thing you have clears up by then and I'll look like a hero."



"this might hurt a little."="the last two patients with this procedure bit their tongues off!"



"do you think your conditions are caused by stress?"="you're a nutcase, and I need to find a way to split the profits with your shrink!"



"I want to run one more test"="I'm going to go home tonight and look this up on WebMD!"
 
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T



A business man got on an elevator.



When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F"



He smiled at her and replied,

"S-H-I-T"



She looked puzzled and repeated,

"T-G-I-F," more slowly.



He again answered,

"S-H-I-T."



The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,

"T-G-I-F."



The man smiled back to her and once again ,

"S-H-I-T."



The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.



'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"





The man answered,

" S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'- - duuhhh.
 
LIFE IN MINNESOTA



Just in case ya didn't know...







Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribes of Swedes seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.



Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really...!!!! They eat fish soaked in lye."



The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."



The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 ***** teenagers yapping away on cell phones.



Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.



Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Swede occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.



The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!



Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."



Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.



Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!



Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet."



The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.



Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.



Now.. it's up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN....in February --



Cold is a relative thing ya know....



At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.



At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.



At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..



At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.



At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.



At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.



At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.



At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.



At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.



At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.



At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"



At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.







I got this in an e-mail. I can testify that what it says about the temperature is true. But we do not have a canadian accent!!!!
 
BIG JOHN:



There was a slightly-built bus driver named Bob, who drove the city Metro for years, working Monday-Saturday, never having any trouble...



One day, a giant of a man entered the bus. He was 6' 10" and easily weighed 325. His arms were like trees, his chest like a steel barrel. His voice was deep, and he announced to the bus driver that "Big John doesn't pay." Big John walked to the back and sat down.



The bus driver was a little upset, but didn't have the fortitude to call the man out. Big John became a regular rider, and each time he got on the bus, he told the driver that "Big John doesn't pay."



After awhile, the bus driver thought he should stand up for himself. He spent the entire summer lifting weights, eating foods that would add muscle mass, and taking karate classes. He gained scores of pounds himself, and most importantly, was feeling pretty good about himself.



Finally, one Monday morning, he psyched himself up for the showdown, and Big John got on the bus..."Big John doesn't pay." The bus driver exploded from his seat and screamed in Big John's face, "And why doesn't Big John pay?!"



Big John looked at his feet, and quietly said, "Because Big John has a bus pass..."
 
I saw this pic going around on the internet and I felt the need to share it. Some people just have to much fun. Which redneck deer farmer could you picture having this truck ??
 

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Bill was quite the prankster. Never did Bill have a friend that didn't fall victim to one of his practical jokes, and weddings were his specialty.



Bill's favorite wedding pranks ranged from refrosting the cake black to locking the doors to the church to hold the groom outside (thus making him late and sweat profusely) to packing the honeymoon car with packing peanuts.



Bill finally found the woman that would become his wife, and since he had carried out extensive pranks on all his friends, he was sure he would be in for some major payback.



The big day finally arrived for Bill and his bride. He had been very careful to pick up all the tuxedos and flowers so that nobody would have the chance to mess something up. He paid someone he didn't know to stand guard at the cake, and also the car, which he had locked and held the only key. He even refused to give the ring to the ringboy until he reached the altar. Things were going smoothly, to Bill's surprise.



The wedding and reception went off without a hitch. Bill and his new wife got in the car and raced out of town. Upon arriving at the motel, Bill was surprised to find his room just as he had ordered it to be. The young couple finally fell into bed, made love, and slept through the night. The next morning, lying in bed, each agreed that their first breakfast as a married couple should be brought to them, so Bill called for room service, and said, "Yes, we'd like to have a breakfast for two to be delivered by room service."



Then a voice from beneath the bed said, "Uh, better make that breakfast for five!"
 
I saw a bottle of Viagra on my grandpa's counter the other day. Grandma died a long time ago, and he doesn't have any lady friends, so I had to ask why he had it...



He told me, "The doctor told me only to take half a pill every day."



I asked why he needed any at all, and why only half a pill? He replied, "So I don't pee on my shoes when I go to the bathroom!"
 
Phillip, I heard one simular to that, but the punch line was to keep senior men from rolling out or the bed.
 
And you guys question a .22 Read on!!!!



Some great advice for my fellow conceal/carry pals:



On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? A .22 short should do it....think not...read on........The best answer: My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace
 
Found on Craigs List a couple months ago:



Fifty-year-old manure spreader - $1 (Washington, D.C.)

Date: 2012-02-14, 10:21AM EST

Reply to: [email protected]



Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked very hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It does not work very often, but when it does, it can really spread the manure and sling it for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire this manure spreader next November. Nevertheless, I really do not want it hanging around and getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer that is willing to relocate it outside of the U.S. Would be willing to trade this manure spreader for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution .



Location: Oval Office -Washington, D.C.
 
A game warden was paddling his canoe down a river where the salmon were running, when he came around a bend and spied a man throwing rocks into a tree. Remaing unnoticed, the warden slipped his boat onto the bank behind a downed tree, and continued to watch.



After several throws at the tree, the man struck an eagle, which fell to the ground, dead. The warden continued to watch as the man dressed the bird, built a fire, and put him over it on a spit made of a cedar branch.



By now, the warden had seen enough. He floated downstream and gave the man a citation, and said that a federally-protected poaching incident would require him to appear in court.



Months passed, and the man arrived in the court room. In his own defense, the man told the judge how he had hooked a huge salmon, and an eagle swooped down and caught it, and when he tried fighting the bird for the fish, his line broke. The eagle took it to a big branch on a nearby tree, and the man was throwing rocks in an attempt to knock the fish from the branch so he could retrieve it.



The judge looked at the man's criminal history, which was blank. He said that it didn't seem that he had intenionally killed the bird, and since it was dead when it hit the ground, he saw no harm in eating the bird. He let the guy off with just a warning...



When leaving the courthouse, the defendant entered the men's room, where he ran into the judge. The judge asked, "By the way, I've always wondered what eagle meat tastes like-was it good?"



The man replied, "Well, it's difficult to explain. I would have to say that it's jucier than a California Condor, but not as tough as a Spotted Owl!"
 
The age-old question: Why did the chicken cross the road?



Depends on who you ask...



Kindergarten teacher: to get to the other side



Aristotle: it is the nature of a chicken to cross a road



Martin Luther King, Jr.: I dream of a world where chickens can cross a road without persecution, or questioning.



Moses: God came down from heaven and said to the chicken, "thou shalt cross this road"



*******: I want to be clear-the chicken did NOT cross the road. He has never crossed the road.



Bill Gates: I have a new software that will upgrade your chicken. Not only will he cross the road, but he'll store your road maps and other files in a manner that will allow you to send thousands of chickens across the road with the single click of a mouse.



Oliver Stone: It's not why he crossed the road, but who else crossed at the same time, and how did the chicken make him feel?



Darwin: Chickens have been naturally selected for hundreds of thousands of years so that today's fittest of chickens can cross roads.



Einstien: Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road move beneath it? It's all about your frame of mind.



Hemingway: he crossed the road, in the rain, to die...



Colonel Sanders: What?! Did I miss one?
 
Thinking outside the box:



A woman walks into a New York City bank and asks to speak to a loan officer. The receptionist takes her back to the officer's desk, where she proceeds to ask for a $5000 loan.



The officer asks what it is for, and she tells him that she is going on a 2-week business trip to Europe, and that the money will be used for her expenditures while abroad. The officer then tells her that she will need to provide some sort of collateral to secure the loan, and she pulls from her purse a title to a brand-new Rolls Royce.



The loan officer is shocked. The woman says that it is parked out front, and to the surprise of the loan officer, it is. They sign the necessary paperwork and the loan officer drives the Rolls into the secured garage. The woman leaves...



When the woman arrives back at the bank two weeks later, the loan officer tells the woman that the interest on the loan was only $15.41, and she promptly hands him $5015.41. Before he gives her the keys to the car, he tells her that they had done some investigating on her, and had found that she was a multi-millionaire. Then he asks why she would need the bank's services for only $5000...to which she replies, "Where else can I park a Rolls Royce for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and know that it is safe!"
 
How you know you're having a bad day:



14. You've been at work 3 hours and you notice your fly is open.

13. Your twin sibling forgot your birthday.

12. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

11. Everyone at work avoids you the morning after an office party.

10. Your income tax return check bounces.

9. When you get home from work, a crew from 60-Minutes is waiting for you.

8. It costs more to fill your tank than you spent on the vehicle you're filling.

7. The bird singing outside your window is a vulcher.

6. Your doctor tells you you're allergic to meat!

5. You borrow money from your Visa card to pay off your Master card.

4. Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

3. You invite a peeping tom into your house and he declines.

2. Your fortune teller offers you a refund.

1. You tell your wife you want to eat out and she leaves you a sandwich on the porch.
 
Quote From Ted:















"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering backgroundand one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and Jack Daniel's into urine. Then I pee on a photo of Obama, I do it every day and I really enjoy it."







Ted is an inspiration to all...
 
Culprit of high blood pressure:



Kids yelled from out in the yard as I was reading the paper, "Daddy, come look at the kittens we found!"
 

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Scrapelineranch said:
Phillip, you ARE turning Obama's picture over aren't you..where he can't watch you!! lol!
Click to expand...



Nah, I am sure he's watching me in some way or another without any pictures...
 

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