Just too funny have to share!!

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Joined
Apr 4, 2009
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Location
Fombell PA
Got this email and well........I'm still laughing......enjoy!!:D

Thought this would brighten your

day...................







ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS







Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!





Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely

wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:





Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest

. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,

pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her

adequate time to retreat to safety....??





WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I

was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed

it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.





AWESOME!!!





Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave.





Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat

in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while

I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this

thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about

zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is

such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to prot

ect

herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as

advertised. Am I wrong?





So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer

in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle

spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.





All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What

happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?





I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a

tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a

one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,

pushed the button, and . .





HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!





I'm pretty su

re Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over

again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be

found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and

tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in

an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living

room.





Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered

conservative?





IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!





A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The

recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt

like it=2

0had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had

no control over the drooling.





Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came

from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return!





P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now

regularly threatens me with it!





BK
 
I have read it before, and almost ran off the road reading it laughing agian!
 
Thanks I needed that. Haven't laughed that hard for awhile.

Reminded me of the rope a deer story. Probably the last time I laughed that hard.



Here it is another stupid man story. I'm sure most of you have read it.Its been around for awhile.





Maybe you have to be an old farm boy, but I laughed till I cryed. I can see myself trying this when I was younger.





(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)



Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms....



I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put

it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of

weeks, then kill it and eat it.



The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I

figured that, since they congregate at my cattle

feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we

are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and

sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of

the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult

to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head

(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it

home.



I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end

with my rope.



The cattle, having seen the roping thing before,

stayed well back. They were not having any of it.



After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of

them. I picked out....a likely looking one, stepped

out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. ..my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me.



I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end

so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood

and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly

concerned about the whole rope situation.



I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put

a little tension on the rope and then received an

education.



The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer

may just stand there looking at you funny while you

rope it, they are spurred to action when you start

pulling on that rope.



That deer EXPLODED.



The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a

deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or

a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a

rope and with some dignity.



A deer-- no chance.



That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.

There was no controlling it and certainly no getting

close to it. As it ****** me off my feet and started

dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that

having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea

as I had originally imagined.



The only up side is that they do not have as much

stamina as many other animals.



A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly

as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I

managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize

this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing

out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had

lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to

get that devil creature off the end of that rope.



I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging

around its neck, it would likely die slow and

painfully somewhere.



At the time, there was no love at all between me and

that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I

would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.



Despite the gash in my head and the several large

knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's

momentum by bracing my head against various large

rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could

still think clearly enough to recognize that there was

a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of

responsibility for the situation we were in, so I

didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death,

so I managed to get it lined back up in between my

truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before

hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.



I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I

could get my rope back.



Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a

million years would have thought that a deer would

bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached

up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold

of my wrist.



Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit

by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A

deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit

bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.



The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is

probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried

screaming and shaking instead. My method was

ineffective.



It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for

several minutes, but it was likely only several

seconds.



I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be

questioning that claim by now) tricked it.



While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my

right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled

that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson

in deer behavior for the day.



Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They

rear right up on their back feet and strike right

about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are

surprisingly sharp.



I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like

a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you

can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to

make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards

the animal. This will usually cause them to back down

a bit so you can escape.



This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously,

such trickery would not work. In the course of a

millisecond, I devised a different strategy.



I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.



The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn

and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is

a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the

head.



Deer may not be so different from horses after all,

besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil,

because the second I turned to run , it hit me right

in the back of the head and knocked me down.



Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it

does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not

recognize that the danger has passed. What they do

instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you

while you are laying there crying like a little girl

and covering your head.



I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the

deer went away.



So now I know why when people go deer hunting they

bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
 
Dennis, if you could demonstrate this for us I will edit the video for free and put it on Da Nut Channel I mean Da Buck Channel.:D:D:D
 
Noooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy! Although as i was reading it (And I think this is why its so funny) I could see myself in the reclyner thinking the way he was......I just don't think i would have had the $@lls to pull the trigger.....although he is still missing his $@lls anyhow:eek: Funny stuff!!
 
DD Im nobody was watching me when I read yhe tazer story, that was funny, bad thing is I would probably think the same thing.How bad can those little batteries hurt?
 
Darren,

i still go back and read it whe i need a laugh......funny part is ....its just how guys think!!
 

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